The Unexpected Gift of a Birthday Call

I am feeling elated about keeping my head during an obligatory birthday call. I care, I want to be connected, I want the opportunity to offer best wishes for the year ahead. But the dread was real, and the threat of being sucked into the mire of chaos and negativity was ever present and familiar. I braced myself before I dialed. 

And somehow this call was different. I was able to observe both the birthday celebrator and myself, and it was fascinating. 

We have very different views; we are both pretty sure we are right. This call, however, taught me something profound about the power of objectivity and curiosity. 

This time I asked for information, I asked follow-up questions, and I actually listened to the answers instead of silently inserting my own perspective. I tried to understand where they are coming from, what they're trying to accomplish, and what need they are trying to fulfill. 

They have community with others who share a similar view; they look out for each other. They seek to protect themselves and others within the community, be prepared, identify problematic issues and present solutions, and preserve the order of hierarchy as they know it. Their community and values make sense to them. 

Our perceptions of reality are created by our culture and origins, past experiences, beliefs, and repeated thoughts. These perceptions influence how we interpret and interact with the world around us. We are often so immersed in our own stories that we mistake our subjective perceptions for objective truths. 

The objectivity in noticing another's perspective is liberating. It is about listening, learning, and understanding. Having differences does not mean one is right and one is wrong; there is no risk in learning another perspective. 

The beauty is that understanding their lens actually helped to solidify my own beliefs. It helped to define them, brought light to what is important and true, and highlighted areas I might want to get more clarity on. Seeing what I don’t want strengthened what I do want. 

Objectivity also allowed me to reconcile my judgment. I felt judgment about the topic, about their opinions on the topic, and, of course, the latent judgment about myself being judgmental. But what if judgment is just a survival skill, and is only dangerous when given reign without question? What if I could use my judgment as an indicator for the need for objectivity? Now, I see judgment as a tool—not a hindrance—that can transform the discomfort of challenging conversations into opportunities for growth. 

This birthday call was different. I was able to maintain a sense of self while being emotionally connected. I was able to differentiate, and it made all the difference. 

The evolution of my ability to differentiate, and the ongoing practice required, is often dependent on my own well-being. When I made the obligatory birthday call, I was in a beautiful cabin in the mountains. I had spent the previous few days hiking, cross-country skiing, relaxing in the hot tub, journaling, and sleeping well. It was so much easier to allow other views when I was so solidly taken care of, grounded, and surrounded by so much beauty. 

When I am feeling healthy, my perception of threats changes, and with that, my ability to be generous increases. And so, it seems, successful differentiation begins with self-care. 

Next time you face a challenging conversation, consider how self-care might ground you enough to stay connected and curious. Differentiation—the ability to maintain your sense of self while remaining emotionally connected—can transform dread into an opportunity for understanding, growth, and even joy. 

Have you experienced unexpected connection? I'd love to hear about it.